On November 18th, 2014, after a year of dealing with pain and benign cysts popping up all over my body, I had a twenty pound precancerous ovarian cyst removed and began the process of taking five different tests, seeing an oncologist, seeing an ENT (since I had large benign cysts in both eyes and tonsils), and seeing a gynecologist every three months under a new diagnosis of "Borderline Ovarian Cancer". My body has never been more exhausted or more unable to rest. My veins now refuse to give blood without a baby butterfly needle, tons of water, and more pressure than I care to think about. My body is so sick of being probed and tested. My mouth is tired of taking a minimum of six pills each day. I still don't know how to best function in the liminal space of waiting for cysts to become precancerous so they can be removed, waiting for another one to turn so I can have surgery to prevent it continuing. Most days, I am just thankful it is not worse and that we are waiting for something that may never get worse. Other days, I am too exhausted to get the memo that I should be thankful. Some beautiful things came out of the dust of my old life--I begin each day with more passion than I did before, I lean into self-care instead of putting myself last, I stay in the moment instead of focusing too much on what may come, I care more about surrounding myself with happiness than surrounding myself with labels, and I love those around me in ways I never knew I was capable of.
The adjustment I did not expect, however, has been to my new body. I have been the same size since 8th grade, and despite how much the world decided to let me know that my body was not good enough, by my freshman year of college, I learned to love every single inch of me. I loved my face, my nose, my chubby waist, and my curvy, soft skin. I dedicated myself to helping other women and men learn to love their bodies as they are and not as society has told them they should be or they want them to be one day. By the fall of 2013, I fully embraced myself. I loved treating my body well. I appreciated that even with exercise and a healthy diet, my pre-existing conditions created this size 16/18 body.
Then the twenty pound cyst happened. I spent months being convinced by doctors that the weight gain was my fault before they finally found the cyst. After it was removed, smaller cysts kept returning, I was diagnosed with PCOS, and my body refused to let go of weight surrounding my reproductive organs. The more cysts appeared, and the more I became obsessed with getting back in my old body, the more difficult it became to be body positive. I didn't know how to love this body; hell, it took me 23 years to learn how to fully love my old body. People loving all of me, and accepting my body before I knew how to, is what helped me begin to process the new me.
As another cyst takes over my right ovary and I wait to see if it needs to be removed or if it will go away with medications, I am prepping myself for what I feel about my body that is twenty pounds bigger once again. It is still a daily struggle to not compare my new body to the way it was before; it is a daily struggle to not want my old "self" back (because no matter how hard we try, women cannot fully escape the narrative that their body is who they are). This is the shitty thing they don't tell you about chronic diseases that grow inside of you--even when you are dealing with treatments and testings and family and living in this new reality, one of the hardest parts can simply be learning how to love the you that comes out on the other side.
Sometimes our ability to fully love ourselves and our bodies falls short. We don't get the job we wanted. We cannot complete our degree in the timeframe we wanted. We lose the body measurements that we loved and made us feel like we belonged. Sometimes we are left picking up the pieces of broken understandings about who we are and who we could have been. But we can all hope for One Day. One Day where we wake up, and we suddenly realize that we have remembered how to love ourselves again, how to live our lives again, and how to dream about who we can be again. One Day may not be tomorrow, but with each new morning, we are all a step closer.
Then the twenty pound cyst happened. I spent months being convinced by doctors that the weight gain was my fault before they finally found the cyst. After it was removed, smaller cysts kept returning, I was diagnosed with PCOS, and my body refused to let go of weight surrounding my reproductive organs. The more cysts appeared, and the more I became obsessed with getting back in my old body, the more difficult it became to be body positive. I didn't know how to love this body; hell, it took me 23 years to learn how to fully love my old body. People loving all of me, and accepting my body before I knew how to, is what helped me begin to process the new me.
As another cyst takes over my right ovary and I wait to see if it needs to be removed or if it will go away with medications, I am prepping myself for what I feel about my body that is twenty pounds bigger once again. It is still a daily struggle to not compare my new body to the way it was before; it is a daily struggle to not want my old "self" back (because no matter how hard we try, women cannot fully escape the narrative that their body is who they are). This is the shitty thing they don't tell you about chronic diseases that grow inside of you--even when you are dealing with treatments and testings and family and living in this new reality, one of the hardest parts can simply be learning how to love the you that comes out on the other side.
Sometimes our ability to fully love ourselves and our bodies falls short. We don't get the job we wanted. We cannot complete our degree in the timeframe we wanted. We lose the body measurements that we loved and made us feel like we belonged. Sometimes we are left picking up the pieces of broken understandings about who we are and who we could have been. But we can all hope for One Day. One Day where we wake up, and we suddenly realize that we have remembered how to love ourselves again, how to live our lives again, and how to dream about who we can be again. One Day may not be tomorrow, but with each new morning, we are all a step closer.
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